wishful thinking

On Wednesday night I thought I had gotten my wish... my cousin Kelly said she'd loan me some of the money I needed as long as I met her "conditions". I said "sure, what are they?"

Condition #1... she said "See if you can get someone to come up with part of the $$ and I will cover the other part." Done!!

Condition #2... she said "I want to talk to your MIL because I want to verify what you have said to me" Did it!! I had her call on Thursday.

Condition #3... she said "I want to go with you to pay for your truck, bcuz I'm not just going to hand you the $$." I told her no problem, we'll go together to send it to them.

Then on Friday, I get a text that says, "I want you to call me, my number is ###-####." I tried calling twice. She was busy. So I texted her and explained that I tried calling her, I was going to be going on lunch in about 15 mins. During my lunch I would be contacting GMAC about the payoff as long as she was still in for it. Because I had met and agreed to her conditions I didn't see any reason to be apprehensive.

She texted me back after the 15 mins and asked if I was on lunch, I said "yes, if you want to call me, call my cell". About 5 mins passed, then my phone rang. It was Kelly, she informed me that she changed her mind. I went into panic mode. I asked why - she said that since my MIL had no "guarantee" that she could go back to FL where she lives and definitely get a loan to pay her back immediately, then she didn't feel "comfortable" enough to help me out. She also told me that I would have the truck paid off, the title clear, and then would stiff her on the payments. I was so dumbfounded and panicked!!

I know I started babbling on and on about how I KNOW that I wouldn't do that to family or anybody else...she had given me a whole family speech on Wednesday anyways. She then went into this really long spiel - it came down to the pot calling the kettle black. We've both done things in our life that we're not proud of, but we've survived and learned.

I was so hurt and outraged that I couldn't take listening to her BS anymore without saying something that would be so hurtful to her that we'd never recover - I just hung up on her. My brain was kicking out some really nasty things and I knew if I listened to one more word I'd lose the little bit of self-control I had and blow. Not to mention that I was at work and I want to keep my new job.

She has since deleted me as her friend on facebook and has probably even deleted me out of her phone and email account.

I know it's her money. I understand inside my brain that you can't force people to do something they don't want to, but I'm still angry with her because she said that she'd do it if I did her damned conditions. Like usual, when I see a door slammed in my face, it's wishful thinking that a window will open up that's big enough for me to find my way through!!

I just wanna cry

This past year has just majorly sucked! I lost my house, my job, what was left of my sanity, and now - now they've repo'd my truck. I've been trying to work with GMAC, however, all they want is their $6000.

I've called almost everybody I know, explained my situation, and asked for a helping hand. To which the replies have varied from "if we had it I would definitely borrow it to you" to "sorry, but if we give to you then we gotta give to everyone" to "I only spend money to make money".

I have helped every one of these people in one way or another and am at a place where I just wanna cry. I have worked so hard and I don't know what else to do. I'm working, I'm more than willing to pay this "loan" back with interest, I just need more than prayers. I'm super frustrated right now and wish there was some kind of solution. Anybody out there??