wishful thinking

On Wednesday night I thought I had gotten my wish... my cousin Kelly said she'd loan me some of the money I needed as long as I met her "conditions". I said "sure, what are they?"

Condition #1... she said "See if you can get someone to come up with part of the $$ and I will cover the other part." Done!!

Condition #2... she said "I want to talk to your MIL because I want to verify what you have said to me" Did it!! I had her call on Thursday.

Condition #3... she said "I want to go with you to pay for your truck, bcuz I'm not just going to hand you the $$." I told her no problem, we'll go together to send it to them.

Then on Friday, I get a text that says, "I want you to call me, my number is ###-####." I tried calling twice. She was busy. So I texted her and explained that I tried calling her, I was going to be going on lunch in about 15 mins. During my lunch I would be contacting GMAC about the payoff as long as she was still in for it. Because I had met and agreed to her conditions I didn't see any reason to be apprehensive.

She texted me back after the 15 mins and asked if I was on lunch, I said "yes, if you want to call me, call my cell". About 5 mins passed, then my phone rang. It was Kelly, she informed me that she changed her mind. I went into panic mode. I asked why - she said that since my MIL had no "guarantee" that she could go back to FL where she lives and definitely get a loan to pay her back immediately, then she didn't feel "comfortable" enough to help me out. She also told me that I would have the truck paid off, the title clear, and then would stiff her on the payments. I was so dumbfounded and panicked!!

I know I started babbling on and on about how I KNOW that I wouldn't do that to family or anybody else...she had given me a whole family speech on Wednesday anyways. She then went into this really long spiel - it came down to the pot calling the kettle black. We've both done things in our life that we're not proud of, but we've survived and learned.

I was so hurt and outraged that I couldn't take listening to her BS anymore without saying something that would be so hurtful to her that we'd never recover - I just hung up on her. My brain was kicking out some really nasty things and I knew if I listened to one more word I'd lose the little bit of self-control I had and blow. Not to mention that I was at work and I want to keep my new job.

She has since deleted me as her friend on facebook and has probably even deleted me out of her phone and email account.

I know it's her money. I understand inside my brain that you can't force people to do something they don't want to, but I'm still angry with her because she said that she'd do it if I did her damned conditions. Like usual, when I see a door slammed in my face, it's wishful thinking that a window will open up that's big enough for me to find my way through!!

I just wanna cry

This past year has just majorly sucked! I lost my house, my job, what was left of my sanity, and now - now they've repo'd my truck. I've been trying to work with GMAC, however, all they want is their $6000.

I've called almost everybody I know, explained my situation, and asked for a helping hand. To which the replies have varied from "if we had it I would definitely borrow it to you" to "sorry, but if we give to you then we gotta give to everyone" to "I only spend money to make money".

I have helped every one of these people in one way or another and am at a place where I just wanna cry. I have worked so hard and I don't know what else to do. I'm working, I'm more than willing to pay this "loan" back with interest, I just need more than prayers. I'm super frustrated right now and wish there was some kind of solution. Anybody out there??

This week...

I gotta say this week was a pretty busy one.

On Tuesday night poor Logan slipped in the shower and put his back through the wall - had to call the landlord over to look at it. The landlord came on Thursday and said we should fix it and take it off of our rent. YEAH!!!!!!
So I asked them if I could rip out the carpet in the other two bathrooms and replace it with vinyl tile and add in an exhaust fan for them too. After they talked about it they decided that Terry and I should go ahead and do it... they just wanted to see the tile I picked first! YEAHYEAHYEAH!!!

Thursday, Terry also had to leave for the Dells for a weekend of shooting darts in a tournament. He was the cheerleader on Thursday - the guy he went with didn't do too hot. Friday, they shot doubles and did a little bit better - no cash payout though. Then on Saturday, him and 3 guys shot team - they tied for 2nd with four other teams. Unfortunately, they were eliminated because they didn't do as well on one game when it came down to it all....grrrrrr so frustrating. I'm just glad the guys got to do a little better this time than last year. Next year it's in the Dells again and I'm hoping that we can use it as a family getaway, then the boys and I can spend some time at the waterparks while Terry's shooting.

Friday, I went to lunch with my Grams and cousin's wife, Jenny. We went for Chinese at a nearby restaurant and had some nice conversation. This is the first time they've been to the "new" house. I was sad to see them go, but glad they got to come.

Saturday morning I went to the home improvement shop, Menards, and picked up the vinyl tile and a few other things before I can start my new project. I'm soooooooooo excited!!!!!!

Sunday, today, I started ripping up the carpet - - - YUCKY!!!!!!!!! I got the carpet & pad ripped out, all the staples up and the carpet tacking out. Terry came in and pulled out the yucky, smelly toilet. I vacuumed the floor to make sure I got everything. I sprayed down the shower with some bubbly, cleaning stuff, and then scrubbed the floor with bleach water. The floor is drying as we speak.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to head into the bathroom and paint the floor with some primer that contains mold & mildew killer and preventative in it. I hope that it will be dry by the afternoon so I can get started with laying the tile. Tomorrow after Terry gets home he can recaulk the shower to prevent future leaks and reinstall the toilet.

Next weekend we'll be doing the other bathroom...well the 2nd bathroom, the one with the hole in the shower will have to wait until payday. Plus we have to figure out what we can do about it.


I can't wait!!!!!!!!! I'll have to see what I can do about getting pics posted on all of this "construction"!! I totally forgot to do a before shot of our bathroom, but will be taking during and after ones from now on!

today.......

This morning I woke up and feel just as crappy as the weather outside.

Have you ever felt like you are standing in a room full of people screaming and nobody pays attention? That is how I feel right now. I either have tears in my eyes or have them streaming down my face.

I feel like a basketcase and can't seem to shake it today. I know it will pass, I WILL NOT let this feeling take over - I am way too strong to fall into that oblivion of depression that I feel is trying to swallow me whole!

This is the 10th year without my mom. She let depression take over her life October 1999 and I miss her soooooooooooooooo much. It hurts today like that first day, maybe it's the approach of another holiday - a special event.

My hubby, 2 boys & I are going to spend today together doing a little shopping. We had such a good rummage sale last weekend that we are going to splurge!! We are going to go out for lunch and the movies as well. It should be a pretty good day even though the rain is falling.

Jacob just came in and saw my tears - he gave me a huge hug and an "I love u mom". I feel a lot better now. Plus Terry is in the kitchen making us some breakfast - scrambled eggs, toast & sausage - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!

Gotta shake this off!! I can't let this drag me down - I need me, my family needs me, I am stronger than this.

Ok, gotta go get me some breakfast and start this day over right now. Put a real smile on my face and remember that I am loved by many people!!

Happy 40th B-day Terry

This weekend my hubby celebrated the big 4-0. We had a party, had friends over, acted goofy, and a few friends had a bit much to drink!

I made the cake to look as close to his truck as I could...




Here's the real truck...........




Terry's mom tried to embarrass him in front of his friends. She sent him the following items, but didn't know when they would be delivered. They delivered in the morning before people even arrived, everyone thought it was very cute.........





A good time was had by all. I'm glad most of the people invited showed up and celebrated with us. We all know there is only one 40th b-day and I'm glad that Terry enjoyed himself as much as he did!!

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant...

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love...I will.







I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.







Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.











I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.






As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

another ranting

I know we all have that one person who gets under our skin no matter how hard we try - well let me introduce you to my biggest pain in the rear... my mother-in-law.

This woman has been a thorn in my side for the past 17 years and I gotta say that I could definitely live without her, however, she is my hubby's mother and grandmother to my children. Although she acts like neither one.

I'm sure y'all have figured out that we're going through some financial difficulty, so I asked this woman if we could borrow some money. She says she'll see what she can do and then get back to us - that was over 3 weeks ago now. She's not answering our phone calls, our text messages or our e-mails.

This woman has butted into my life on numerous occassions - she told us that we should wait to get married until after I gave birth to my 2nd child (Terry's first)-we didn't wait. Then after we got married and had Josh, she told us that since his oldest sister lost a child the same day Josh was born that we should have her & her hubby be his godparents - which we did (however when I had to go through treatments for my cervical cancer and then couldn't have anymore children she didn't step in to tell oldest sister to ask us to be godparents for their last child).
She makes promises to our kids that she doesn't keep, but will go out of her way for Terry's sisters kids.

Terry doesn't have the balls to tell this woman to quit the crap and stop treating all of us so shittily! I gotta say, I've definitely had enough! I haven't done a damn thing except be the best mom I know how to my kids and be a good wife to my husband - I know that's what I want for my daughters-in-law when the time comes.

How can a mom treat 2 of her kids so wonderfully and then crap on the 3rd? I try my best to treat my 3 boys all the same - I totally understand that no one can love each of them exactly the same way because they're 3 different human beings, but they are definitely loved the same amount.

I keep meaning to get back in here and post something, but then I get busy with something else. The damn laundry needs doing AGAIN, I think it and the dishes multiply when I'm not looking or the neighbors are bringing theirs over!!

I'm working on 2 different sewing projects right now, a christmas stocking for my cousin's son and a table cloth for my great-aunt Glady. Both will be beautiful when I'm done, but I forget how much time this stuff takes.

Then there's the job hunting - yeah right, that would suggest that there are jobs out there to be had!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm not giving up, I'm just fed up with all there is to do. I understand I'm at home and not "working" but I sure could use some help. When I do suggest it, I just get that look and then they grudgingly do stuff. I just wanna take the day off from stressing over everything........I don't wanna worry about paying bills with non-existent money, doing the laundry, making phone calls, dishes, what are we having for dinner??, anything and everything!!

I don't want to go anywhere or do anything for anyone. If I wanna sit at the computer all day and just look at facebook or myspace or play a game on msn or pogo so be it.

Phew - thanks for listening!!

Good News!!

I just waned to let everyone know the good news!!! We found a house to rent... it's 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms - HUGE!! The rent is even cheaper than our old house payment!!

Thank you for your prayers on this for my family and most of all thank you God!! Thank you for seeing my family through this rough time and helping us.

We move this weekend - so far it's me, hubby, our sons (although Logan has to work all day Saturday), and a couple of friends! I'm hoping more people show up, we've always dropped our stuff for everyone else - to do things for them, whatever they need, whenever they needed. I'm hoping all goes well!




Unfortunately, I am still applying for jobs and haven't had any responses. This is going to be another long road. I am praying for a job with decent pay and decent benefits that isn't too far from home. Lord hear my prayers.